I was going to review Scandimania, Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall's holiday, sorry, inspiring and educational trip around Sweden, Norway and Denmark. Apparently, those Scandinavians are happy. Really happy. So happy, in fact, they place 1st, 2nd and 5th in the latest league of happy countries, and old Hugh is going to see what's making them so happy.
I did say I was going to review it, but usually that involves actually watching the programme, and this was the week my satellite dish died. So, no TV. But why should that stop me? I'll just use my creativity, my imagination, my innate wit to write about something I haven't seen. Yes that's right, I'm going to guess. Think of this as a Daily-Mail-knee-jerk-style kind of piece.
I could guess as to what Hugh got up to - I imagine, it being Channel 4, it was ridiculously stereotypical and just a bit sensationalist. The first episode saw Hugh in Sweden, so I'm thinking he tucked into something messy and typically Swedish - crayfish? - before visiting IKEA and possibly an ABBA museum, and there was possibly a ridiculously gratuitous naked sauna scene. Am I close? Anyway, none of that's important because its not the content that bothers me, it's the concept.
It'd be all very well if Scandimania just wanted to entertain us, in a 'let's have a look at the funny foreigners' kind of way; "oooh, don't they like herrings!", and "gosh, don't they talk silly?" But that's not what it says it's up to. According to the summary I read, it wants to educate us about our happier, and apparently fascinating, European neighbours, to get to the heart of what makes them so bloody chirpy.
Why?
Are we meant to emulate them? Is this a lesson in how to be happy? If it turns out the secret of this boundless joy is their love of raw herrings, will we be straight down the fishmongers? Will we all take up Swedish lessons? Or, if it's the case that they have a good social protection system funded by copious and well-managed natural resources, which seems a bit more likely, are we really going to volunteer to pay more taxes ourselves so that we can tap into the Joy Parade? I think the herrings idea stands more of a chance...
And that's my problem with it; it's typical Channel 4 stuff - naked entertainment masquerading as education.
I think it makes more sense to have a look at the poor miserable bastards at the other end of the league. The miserable end. The bottom three are, in descending order, the Central African Republic, Benin and Togo. Instead of Hugh reminding us how awful our own lives are compared to those giddy Scandinavians, why not send someone to Togo, officially the most miserable place in the whole world? I didn't see the programme, but I could think of a handful of facts about Sweden without even trying; I don't know anything about Togo, except they're fucking depressed. I'd bet, after an hour of watching some wretched Togolese lad struggle to eat fufu, your own monochromatic life would seem as colourful and carefree as a jaunt through Oz. Wouldn't that be a better use of Channel 4's purse?
And I wouldn't send Hugh. Sure, he might have made a lot of programmes aimed at middle-class urbanites who like to see 'the country' as a nice quaint place populated by suspiciously hairy cider-drinkers, poachers and hippies, but you can't dislike him enough to send him to Togo! Rwanda at a pinch, but not Togo. No, if we're going to fly someone over to officially the saddest place on this planet, I want it to be someone who really deserves to have all the bubbliness and joy beaten out of them. With pointy sticks if necessary. I nominate the entire cast of Geordie Shore, although it's a toss-up between them and that wretchedly obnoxious kid from the 'Hello.ie' advert. And if you don't know who I mean, I'm jealous of you.
In fact, just thinking about watching Togo Shore is cheering me up so much I can feel us moving up the league table right now.
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