A letter to some lovely solicitors

 This is the transcript of my letter to Hugh J. Ward, solicitors in Dublin who really really really want some money from me.  Sorry I haven't written much lately, I must try harder.  If you'd like me to watch anything in particular and review it, please drop me a line at mrphammond@gmail.com                                                                                                                                            

                                                                                                                27^th February 2014

YOUR REFERENCE:                           1010065423

MY REFERENCE:                                UR 53177187714

Dear Hugh,

You don’t mind if I call you Hugh, do you?  It seems horribly impersonal to call you ‘Sir’ or ‘Mr Ward’, and I really do feel like we’ve got a relationship thing going, what with you chasing me for the massive sum of €83.41, and insisting that I call your office ASAP.  Or someone else’s office – to be honest, with all the exciting letters in bold and red writing, I’ve kind of lost track of who I’m supposed to be contacting.  First it was Vodafone, then it was Intrum Justitia, then CMOS LIMITED (who really like CAPS), and now it’s you Hugh. 

The thing is, I’m getting worried about Vodafone.  I thought they were a massive multinational company, whose Irish arm reported decent profits in 2012 of €114.5m.  But something’s gone terribly wrong hasn’t it?  If I were you Hugh, I’d be looking very carefully at Vodafone and making sure they pay you properly, and not in shares.  I mean, they’re so eager to recoup that €83.41 from me that they’re willing to pay Intrum Justitia €150 (plus VAT), AND pay CMOS, AND then pay you as well!  Geez, I knew times were tough for us all, what with the unemployment, the tax hikes and so on, but I never knew Vodafone could be so desperate.

Now look Hugh, you’ve got to stop throwing these silly threats around at us poor folk – we put up with the Black and Tans and the Auxiliaries, and I’m fairly sure we can cope with a reduced credit rating.  And what’s the point of threatening legal action and fees (plus 8% interest per annum) when people are unable to pay the bills in the first place?

But I get it Hugh.  The tribunals have ended, the good times have gurgled away down the troika plughole, and you’re probably sitting in your cold negative-equity hovel, trying to keep warm next to a lightbulb and eating an expired Pot Noodle.  Like the rest of us.  That makes me sad Hugh.  I mean, I was directly responsible for the country shafting itself back into the dark ages, but you?  You went to law school and everything, driven by an inner desire to right the wrongs of the world, and you don’t deserve to be driven to cooking crystal meth or selling your body on the street corners of Dublin. 

So, in the spirit of brotherly love and compassion, I’d like to extend the hand of altruistic kindness and offer you a deal.  I reckon I can do without a couple of Pot Noodles a month, so how about I pay you €6.95 a month for the next year?  Or, if you and Vodafone really need some readies up front, I could give you €35 right now and we’ll call it quits?  Let me know what you think Hugh.

Stay strong brother.