I was glad to see The
Walking Dead back on my screen after the Christmas break. I do like a bit of hot zombie action, but, to
be honest, there’s always been one thing that’s bothered me about the series
since Season 1. If a few hours of
playing Fallout 3 have taught me
anything, it’s that in an apocalyptic world you grab everything that isn't
nailed down. Ashtrays, empty cans, everything. What you definitely don’t do is fight your
way into the creepy pharmacy, bludgeoning the skulls of your former neighbours
into mush with your sharpened crowbar, only to cherry-pick the one bottle of
antibiotics you happen to need that very minute. No, you sweep the entire contents of every
shelf into an enormous sack, heave it over your shoulder and drive back to your
fortified camp. Hey presto! no more
risky raids into town for pregnancy tests!
I suppose The Walking
Dead has always made me feel a bit superior, like I’d know what to do
better than the on-screen characters. I’d
have got rid of Sulky Shane a hell of a lot earlier, I’d have given the prison
a lick of paint, I certainly wouldn't have relied quite so heavily on a
chain-link fence to separate the ravening undead from my family. Basically I reckoned I’d be pretty good in
the face of the zombie onslaught and the end of civilisation.
Then Storm Darwin hit.
Trees came down, the power went off, and so did the water. And I realised, I'm crap at this. Without electricity I'm unable to cook, stay
warm, or even amuse myself. There have
been a few programmes on recently that have looked at what society would become
without electricity. Revolution thought we’d all go a bit
eighteenth-century, firing muskets at each other and ‘remembering’ how to sword
fight. Under the Dome had us all turning on each other in panic. The Walking
Dead just questions if we’d be able to hold onto our humanity. I can’t think of a programme about an
apocalyptic society without power that does quite well and learns to get along
and grow apples. So, by the middle of
Day Two of the Storm I started to worry.
How long will it be, I thought, before the neighbours realise I have a
phenomenally well-stocked larder? And
when the tins run out, how long before the fat bloke in No.6 starts to look
like our food supply for the winter?
Even worse, how long before we start “playing at farmers”, to quote
Carl, the stroppy, possibly psychotic, needs-a-haircut mother-killer from The Walking Dead?
By the time the lights came back on, I had a new respect for
Rick, Michonne and the others. Not for
battling walkers, the Governor, and the worst case of the sniffles since 1918,
but for coping with the boredom that comes with a lack of digital entertainment
and a bedtime of whenever-it-gets-dark.
There’s only so much cribbage you can play…
On a side note, you have to feel sorry for Andrew
Lincoln. Some actors have forged
successful careers out of limited talents; Keanu has done very well with his
one expression, Harrison even better with none at all. Andrew Lincoln seems to build his career
almost entirely upon bewilderment. In This Life (showing my age now) he played
a lawyer who decided he didn't really want to be a lawyer. In Teachers
he played a teacher who decided he didn't really want to be a teacher. In Love
Actually he had a scene where he literally couldn't decide which way to
walk. In 2010 he finally landed a good
solid job as a small-town sheriff in Georgia, only for his bewilderment to
cross the Atlantic with him, and screw everything up again. Now he plays a leader of a ragtag bunch of
survivors who has decided he doesn't really want to be a leader of a ragtag
bunch of survivors. Someday I hope
Andrew plays a man happy in his job.
Anyway, I'm quite bothered by my lack of ability to survive
in an apocalyptic world without the amenities of running water or electrical
power, so I'm going to go on a survival skills course up in Connemara. I've looked it up on my iPhone, and
apparently I can book it online.
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